SOBER THOUGHTS

I think I could consider myself as a semi-sociopath with a really mild case of caring too much when I let myself feel. I was always been so guarded I didn’t want to get attach to anyone or anything I think this started when I was a kid, I mean I’ve been the kind of kid that learned not to get attach to anyone because we were moving from places to places, just for example I keep moving school from one school to another so I didn’t really have any problem with leaving people behind and actually I don’t have any problem of living alone. I spend more time being alone than being with people. I don’t have a solid childhood friend, someone that I could actually say that “yeah we grew up together” of course excluding my guy cousin which actually grew up with me but c’mon he’s a guy we don’t talk about feelings we usually talk about games and now business.

I’m the kind of person who isn’t good with feelings I might be the person who seems who got a lot to tell about feelings but trust me when I say that it is really hard for me to care for someone. My mum actually had a problem with me when I was younger because I was that kind of kid who never felt sorry for everything I’ve done wrong, I don’t even know how to say sorry to people I’ve done wrong she even told me that I never know how to cry or to show my affections. Is it because of my personality or character? I think part of it maybe but I think that’s just how I am really, no matter how hard I try to care or even feel I always end up getting bored and just tell myself feelings are worthless not that I don’t care for anyone, I mean my capacity to care for people other than my close relatives or in my in case immediate family is rather low. Have I tried opening to people or talk about my feelings about people? Yes, I have and I’ve never been so right about something about opening up my feelings is a bad idea. Maybe I’ve open up to wrong people don’t get me wrong I have friends that took me time to open up to, but we’re still good up until now but still I’ve been scarred. I already have this build up wall in me where all my feelings are hidden and kept but one time I let it down for one certain person with the thought that “yeah, maybe this person is different maybe this person could actually turn things around and change my perception of having to feel something and to care for someone” but then that one time I actually let myself feel just made me feel I can never let myself feel that vulnerable ever again, I mean I could shut my feelings off or shut people off like they don’t mean anything to me because I think they are interchangeable but that one time I let myself feel it broke me. I mean what are the odds of dating your best friend they say? It is fucked up. But that moment made me think about myself, I went back to my personal bubble and dark abyss of my life for what? Not to find some sentimental value of why this was happening but more on finding solidarity. Solitude is found when you can actually be alone and do not depend on other people to find your purpose or to find happiness coz only then you can find true happiness without using other people as means, that’s when you know how to value people that’s when you start to know who are the people you should really care about and not just because you need them.

It’s ok to be alone. Don’t depend your happiness on something temporary. If someone like me who doesn’t know how to feel could actually care for someone then anything is possible, just kidding. I just cared for the wrong person that’s why the first time I actually let myself feel, screwed up. How can I say it was the wrong person? Well this person was my best friend before we were even a thing but when I screwed up and fucked things over between us I wanted to fix things but I fucked it up real bad so it was too late but we agreed to stay friends and exchanged of words such as “I’ll still be your best friend” well believe me flirting is part of my guarding up my wall. I still cared for this person no matter what happened to us but the longer I get to talk to this person the more I realized that I was just a phase for this person. That one time I asked for a best friend, well you can guess what happened. Now I just stopped bothering this person coz this person would never be there anyways, but did I stop caring? You can never really stop thinking about people that you really cared about but right now maybe because of my inability to feel I don’t hate or care about this person anymore. I want to say I’m sorry for saying this but I don’t really know why I should anyways. I just want to pack up everything for closure.

This blog is about allowing yourself to feel without compromising the love you should have for yourself. Getting knocked over is ok but what determines your character is how you deal with it, well for me I’m letting myself feel and care for the right people.